Not there yet but I can see the finish line.

       Here I am actually painting every day now! I think I have made it through a mini-crisis and now have some of my motivation back.  Even working on these wood panels, which I am finding I don't care for that much, is helping to get me out here every day for a few hours. A friend said I should stop working on these if I don't like the surface but I am too far along and it is kind of a challenge. The paint wants to smear more than I like and there is no give under the brush. It just makes placing each stroke fussier and more annoying than I like:-) It is hard to explain, especially to anyone who doesn't paint in oils, but the surface makes a big difference. Of course it does for all mediums, doesn't it...  I am supposing this is a good lesson for me, though, working on something new and that forces me to think past the usual way I do things. At least I think I'll have these finished in time to enter the show in Vancouver, that is if I can bring them around to my high standards! Ha. Sometimes I wonder what that even means. Yet, I know when I look at what I've done if it is working or not. I usually know why too. That ability took a long time to develop. For too many years I worked on things not understanding enough about why they were ok or not ok, which meant making the same mistakes over and over. Anyway, these little guys do seem to be working (!) in spite of my misgivings over the surface the paint is going on and maybe I can now move on to some larger, more significant work again. Michael will be here in six days and he is such a good model I would have to be really out of it not to do something pretty nice with him. 

        I reinforced the cardboard box I had made for him two months ago, but it has actually been holding up well. Thinking about making a vegan lasagna for dinner the day he comes...I can make it ahead of time, along with an apple pie, and just put them in the oven when we're nearly ready to eat. I hope he likes vegetables and can live without cheese all over everything...(that has been a hard one for me, actually, but I am accustomed to doing without now and it's ok).

Being with the group...

       Yesterday I traveled down to Black Creek (Courtenay area) to join with the art group again.  It has been many weeks. Only a few of us were present but it was so nice to meet and commiserate after so long! Elaine didn't get to be in the shot because she was busy taking it. She also provided wonderful goodies for us to consume and a chance to see her temporary new digs right down at the waterfront on a tree lined, beautiful area near Miracle Beach. Too bad it was all fogged in but it didn't keep us from laughing and chattering and catching up on everything. I really do need this group every so often to help keep me grounded. 

       As you can see I have continued, slowly, to work on this Peony piece. If I can get this and the Iris finished by the 23rd I can enter them in the upcoming Blossom exhibit at the FCA. If I don't that is ok too. Michael Ward, the model, is now scheduled to come up here on the 17th so I am hoping that nothing gets in the way this time! Our weather was beautiful, except for heavy fog in Campbell River, for a couple of days but now it is back to overcast and rainy but not quite so cold as it was a week ago. 

       My ex Mother-in-law died this week. She was a wonderful woman and I cared very much about her. We had kept in touch even though I was no  longer officially a member of her family and she is going to be missed by a lot of people. At 92 she was still living in her own home, very independent and her death came suddenly - no lingering suffering. 

       Still having to pull motivation out of myself. Feeling dreary and old. The morning walks are helping but I really have to DO something to get my motor tuned up. Having Michael come to model for me next week may do the trick. 

From cozy knitter to concerned consumer

       Keeping cozy and busy indoors for the most part. A trip to town last tuesday in wind, rain, and ice was enough to make me want to hibernate a while longer. If we hadn't needed to stock up on a few things, including candles, and lamp oil (we have been having power outages, including one on sunday for over 24 hours) we would not have taken the chance on the treacherous roads. I just took it very slowly and Bob had country/western music playing in the CD player and the dogs came along, so it was actually a pleasant trip. 

         Yes, that is the afghan as it currently looks. I need to make it longer and add wide borders to the sides, top and bottom. I knit in a few rows every evening while we watch DVD's from the library. Pushing myself to paint is a bit harder. 

          I made a decision, also, to NOT purchase an iPad. I had planned to give myself this "toy" with some of the money from the selling of the Daffodil paintings but I found out that the factories in China where these things are made are sweatshops of horror. I also understand that for many of the workers the conditions back home in poor villages are even worse, but that doesn't make the slavery they endure at Foxconn and other factories right. Apple is making some efforts to improve things but it is not enough yet. People have actually been dying. Do I want to play with a gadget that somebody died to make? A gadget that no one in China actually gets to have for themselves? I realize that almost everything we purchase comes from the labour of some poor person in a third world country but taking a stand somewhere is better than not taking one at all. Please carefully consider every purchase. Do you really need that new thing? Even if it is bringing some economic improvement to a poor country, is it worth the pain they suffer? Eventually this will improve...a lot of workers quit when things get too much and it is harder now, I understand, to find worker replacements. This leads to factory owner implementing changes so they can attract workers and keep them. Apple is agreeing to oversee more improvements. Consumers are more aware now and voicing their protests. Until this happens I am steering clear. Maybe someday I can actually buy myself a wonderful iPad or other miraculous gadget and not have to feel bad about where it came from. That would be nice. Gee. I really, REALLY wanted one...

What's on the Board...Or Am I Just Bored?

       While I wait to see if Michael, my model, can make it up here in two days I started this small, 12"x12" painting. If the weather is ok he will be coming but right now it isn't looking good - lots of snow and ice already here and freezing rain predicted for friday. It almost seems like something is conspiring to keep me from doing this model-in-a-box project. I have worked and planned to make this as easy as possible, keeping the stress level low, but now things may have to be postponed once again. Meanwhile I have this enormous box sitting in my studio taking up valuable space and there is no place to move it and even if I could I think it would start to fall apart.

       This peony is a photo from our garden. I've wanted to do some closeup works of just the blossoms for some time and now that my Daffodil paintings have moved on to a new home I have blank spaces in my bedroom that need filling. I drew the image first and am now transferring it to a wood panel. A friend gave me several wood panel supports and this is my first try on one. It is supported in the back of the panel with wood strips along each edge...I put three coats of gesso on. I won't know until I start applying paint if I'm going to like this surface. I once did a painting on Clayboard and didn't like it at all but it was so expensive and I had already transferred a fairly complex image to it so I saw it through to the end. Also it was a gift for my parents' 50th Anniversary. I was able to use it successfully as a sample in my illustration portfolio back in the day when I did illustration and even had a rep. The result was actually pretty good but I have never used Clayboard again. Surface is too slick for my taste. I need more tooth.

     If this peony painting works out ok then I'll do a companion piece on another wood panel, probably of a yellow Iris. I think I'm needing projects that aren't too much of a strain on my brain. Is it typical winter doldrums? Maybe. At least the afghan I'm knitting is coming along nicely:-)  I'll show it to you when it's finished and maybe take orders...

An Auspicious Start to the New Year

Afternoon Sentinel I  & Afternoon Sentinel II,  oils,  each is 14"x18"

       SOLD! Both of these paintings have just become the property of a couple back in Ontario who have been faithful, ongoing collectors of my work for well over a dozen years. These were once called "portraits of daffodils" by an acquaintance when he first saw them in a gallery exhibition.  I liked that. I did not intend for these to be the usual "pretty" sort of floral fluff and tried to paint them showing the strength I felt from the flowers at the height of their spring beauty. The second image, unfortunately, is a bit over exposed (I really need to rephotograph it before I ship them off). The colours are strong and I called each of these, "Afternoon Sentinel", I and II as they appeared like guards at their post to me. In any case this bodes well for the first week of the new year and gives me that little kick in the butt I sometimes need - ok - that I almost always need. What is wrong with me I sometimes ask, that I don't spring out of bed every morning and dash to the studio and whip out a grand canvas? Each piece seems to require an intense part of my being and so I hover around the edges, thinking up the next works, and wondering what will happen and if they will ever actually be made. I am not and never will be a dash-it-off painter. I am a planner and a plodder. I've said it before. I did try to dash off that last still life with the apples and the bowl on some fabric. It is ok but when I look at it I do not feel its presence. 

       The afghan is progressing and now I've begun to work out some colour comps for a new quilt that I might make...or not. I seem to be happy to peruse all my knit, fabric, sewing and fibre art books and absorbing the colours and textures. The day will come, and maybe soon, when that will suddenly lose it's lustre for me and I'll be loading up the palate again gessoing some canvas. I'm still biding my time, even though I am fully aware that I don't have all that much left to bide.  No, I'm not dying (well, I am, but we all are), however, I am at an age where too much future planning and thinking that there is all the time in the world is just not practical. And I want what is left to be joyous, fun, and to leave behind concerns about where my "career" is going. Having this couple contact me to purchase this work is full justification for just being and doing since I know the work is going to a good and appreciative home. I think about all the work I have done that has been bought and now hanging in various places and realize that it is not too shabby for a legacy. To these kind (and certainly far-sighted, ever so cultured, and highly discriminating regarding art) people I will always be famous. The art might even be passed down to future generations and perhaps they too will find joy and delight in seeing the work on their walls. It's about as good as it gets.

Paint This Fruit Before It Rots

       The Napthol Red finally dried so I took out a couple of semi-large brushes, mixed up just a few colours (not my usual palatte) and splashed away. This isn't great art but I had fun. Good thing as the fruit is beginning to be on its way out. It was the first real painting I've done in ages. Once this dries I'll probably go back in and work more on the folds of fabric. I really enjoyed just letting stuff happen here and not trying to be too perfect, but I am hoping to get back some focus soon, start a series, paint something that means something to me. If the weather holds I can arrange for Mike Ward, the model, to come up to pose in the box which sits here in the studio like some mysterious sarcophagus or new age shrine that I dare not move because I'm not sure I could get it all back together again.

       I was thinking about a painting a series of unmade beds but I'm pretty sure that's been done already...the great thing about painting fabrics is that they hold a pose without getting hungry or saying they need a break.

       

       

A Step Back - A Step Ahead

       Just when I thought I was making some progress I had a sudden, unexpected setback. A week ago sunday I was sitting at the kitchen table finishing up addressing the envelopes for the 15 letters I was to send out for Amnesty International's Write for Rights campaign when I noticed I wasn't feeling well. I became restless, had to stand up, walk around, and suddenly rush for the bathroom; I'll spare you the details. Then the pain began, lower right abdomen and it felt also like I had been kicked in the kidney. Then after about a half hour I felt a bit better for a while and then it started all over again. This continued all day, pain, vomiting, etc. I just lay on the bed in a fetal position hoping I could die soon. By evening I wasn't too bad again and even managed to sleep pretty well through the night - not moving too much seemed to help keep the pain at bay. 

       Next morning I felt fairly ok so I got up, folded laundry, cleaned up in the kitchen, although I still didn't feel like eating (I hadn't eaten since the morning before). Then it all began again, only worse. I was doubled up and decided to call the doctor; they gave me an appointment for that evening (my doctor is an hour and a half away). By noon I realized I'd never make it until 7:20 at night so I asked Bob to call for help. He called 911 and inside of 15 minutes the ambulance arrived. I was deathly pale, freezing cold, nauseous and in terrible pain. They got me into the ambulance and into a hospital gown, and wrapped me in blankets and put very hot plastic bags in with me (they felt wonderful but I noticed they were practically burning the hands of the paramedic). She had me breathe in nitrous oxide during the hour trip to the hospital and it eased the pain considerably. My colour was better by then so I was placed on a blanket covered steel wheelchair, one of those extremely uncomfortable but sturdy types that you can't push around yourself, and wrapped me in blankets. I sat in the emergency waiting room for three hours. My blood pressure and heart rate were excellent so I wasn't considered a high risk to die or anything - it was kind of reassuring, sort of. But everyone in the waiting room was dressed except for ME and I kept hoping I wouldn't have to find a bathroom since all I had on was an open backed hospital gown, plus I wasn't walking too steadily at that point. 

       The emerg was crazy that day (one of the nurses used the word "crazy" so I know it wasn't me hallucinating or anything). A gunshot (hunting accident), a heart attack, and numerous fairly serious cuts came in after me and all had to take priority, to say nothing of the people who had been there before me. Finally I was wheeled into a small private room in emerg and somehow managed to give a urine sample (I really didn't think I would have it in me - I hadn't eaten or drunk anything in about 30 hours). Then blood was taken, more blood pressure and heart rate stuff for the umpteenth time. I was able to lay down at least and try to keep warm under one flannel blanket for the next four hours.  I was asked a lot of questions including "are you under stress?" and "are you depressed?" plus lots of poking and prodding. The pain was gone at least but I still did not feel hungry or thirsty - just weak and tired. At length I was told that I had a bladder infection and probable gall bladder problem. I needed to have an ultrasound for which I would have to come back later in the week. I called Bob and he had to come get me at nine o'clock at night. We stopped at a pharmacy that was still open and filled two prescriptions, including an antibiotic that was to knock me for a loop all of last week. The other was to take if I got pain and cramping back, which I did not. I was also instructed to take Metamuscil every day ( I've been vegetarian for years and get a LOT of fibre so I was surprised). I eat more greens, colourful veggies, and fruit than almost anyone I know, to say nothing of Bob's home made granola, whole grain breads, cereals, and other high fibre things. I even eat seaweed for pete's sake and I HATE seaweed. 

      So we got home by 11pm and I spent days laying around and was not even interested in reading for a couple of those days. I know I'm ill when I don't want to read. Slowly I felt a bit more motivated to be up and doing things, although I had almost every one of the awful side effects listed on the antibiotic notes. I had the last one saturday and that was great. I also went back for an ultrasound on friday and they spent a full hour pushing that little iron over my torso. I get the results tomorrow from my own doctor, who was notified and asked me to come in. 

       With not having to take any more pills I woke up sunday full of energy and motivation! I suddenly wanted to do everything, had more energy than in months. I even went for the morning walk with Bob and the dogs! And I have for the past three mornings, so I guess I'll be continuing from now on. I have started to plan some new work, and even got out all my knitting books and have some projects in mind for my stash, and started to design a new quilt for our bedroom. I wrote pages in my journal. I made dinner and two apple pies on monday. What has happened? I just hope it continues. The doldrums seem to be gone and I'm not going to question that too closely.

       I got a rejection notice for the above still life from a show I entered it in and I don't even care! Now that's progress.